you started puking right when a nickelback song came on..it was epic
We should make a goal to do one active thing a day, even if its like throwing a ball
And by ball i mean playing catch. Beer pong does not count as an activity
Alcoholism comes in two forms... Us.
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
That's true. There's really no bad time to take a Vicodin.
It is the Reeses peanut butter cup of pharmaceuticals.
Ur dog was like a damn middle school chaperone this morning trying to lay between us after what he saw us do last night
She sucks. And I almost hooked up with a clown last night
I'll make some time for you! I don't know how long you need to get off, but I should only need 2-7 minutes, pending what kind of socks I have on.
I was mid hand job and stopped me because he wanted to "connect" which meant putting his thumb in between my eyebrows and a hand over my heart and closing our eyes...
I was so ripped I had a natty light box over my head carrying a spray bottle out in the streets trying to give car washes.
Yeah. I woke up in an awkward three way spoon with him and his sister. Tequila!
I think it's safe to assume that dad heard you lose your lesbian virginity last night
He's only giving you free adderall so you can focus on his dick.
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
YOU'D BE LIKE A MERMAID! I'll bring you coffee filters to cover your tits.
Randomize
