i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
WAKE UP. GET ME THE PILL. AND SAVE MY LIFE
i wish i could swallow nair and shit it out and it would get rid of all my ass hair.
just told my prof that "i dont give a fuck" about the final. nothing like a having a signed employment contract already
is drinking for groundhog day legit?
well you blacked out on MLK day and we pregamed arbor day, so yes
He washed my hair whilst I gave him head in the shower. Bored or gay?
It's kind of sad that your greatest accomplishment today is that you stood up and didn't fall down.
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
please visit steve this weekend, he is getting mature and responsible and shit which scares me.
Is shaving my mustache contingent on you sleeping over tonight?
You are. Embrace it. But you are the right kind of asshole.
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
the bruises from climbing out of the window last night make sitting at my desk impossible. legit excuse to not study right?
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
I saw a drunk guy run across the street with an American flag between his buttcheeks.
Randomize
