Sooo, his balls are like... bigger than my head...
don't worry about the poodle she's always like that. she's like 14 years old and ate a bag of weed when she was a puppy.
i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
So I drew a giant robot attacking a city on the chem test. My TA colored in the fire on the burning building
I called her new haircut "lesbian progressive" and now she's upset
eggs and jello shots do not qualify as 'brunch'
I hooked up with a 20 year old last night. I feel like a hocus pocus witch that sucked life from a child.
I owe you a thank you for last night. Only you could go up to a guy, ask if he likes my boobs, and return later to find us in a full on dance floor makeout sesh. Well played.
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
The last thing I remember is singing hotel California with a hobo and asking every bald man I saw if I could touch his head.
I woke up in someone's flat in Budapest and then got offered a free piercing before I left. Best. Hookup. Ever.
Despite how often it occurs, I have absolutely no interest in having sex with myself
Have you had an orgasm with an n95 mask on yet? It was better than being choked.
Randomize
