we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
just paid a stripper to have a minute conversation about the arizona game WTF
Dude you need to stop whoring out my boobs. They are for emergencies only.
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
He just dragged himself across the floor on his back claiming to be "the swiffer" help
Yehhhaaww I'm way ahead of you. I'm gunna get her a card that says " I'm sorry your now ex boyfriend decided to upgrade"
Dude, you bit through my nipple. Give it a week, damn.
No. More. Tequila. Even the hot dog guy felt bad for me and you know that guy has seen some crazy shit.
THERE IS A WINE CUBE IN MY ASS THIS IS NOT GOING AS PLANNED
He is peeing inside and sticking up for himself. Those are two of the four signs of the apocalypse.
I'm really sorry that I blew your friend in your bed, but to be fair he started it.
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
Matt and I's climactic adventure has ended with Matt being hauled off to jail. And now his brother and I are having lunch and a beer.
I said no to friends with benefits because it was too much commitment
I need my comforter. Pls bring it to me and drape me in it like an animal pelt. Ps I'm naked.
Randomize
