I cant believe I just managed to do a drug deal across the country for you...
Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
Driving with balloons in your car is more annoying than that bubble fart that doesn't leave your ass after your previous fart.
Currently microwaving whipped cream to make white Russians and hotboxing the kitchen while this random kid is dancing in the corner.
he belly flopped onto the beer pong table, and almost boke his face, so at that point we decided swimming would be safer for him.
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
Well on a lighter note, I had sex in a food truck.
We are magical, pot smoking, smart as hell, single as fuck, woodland dolphins.
I'm proud of you, you were pretty classy last night, you didn't puke AND you didn't take off your shirt, except for those two times in the corner.
For graduation he gave me roses, a giraffe necklace, and a butt plug. I think this might be my one shot at true love
Speaking of church, everyone showed up to lunch in the dining hall in their Sunday best and I walk in looking homeless bc I just got out of bed. I hate this school.
Please put me on a plane and hypontize me into forgetting the little bit of last night that I do remember.
That's what you get for doing kinky shit with a guy that lives in his moms basement.
I'm spring cleaning all of the fuck boys out of my life.
mate iv just woke up in the garden. either help me inside or bring out my vodka
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