remember that time i ran away from the bar and passed out in a street cot?
neither do i
Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
Planned Parenthood should have gift certificates.
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
Today's face brought to you by last night's make-up.
Also, I'd like to add that that I'm not quitting my job, my boss fed me shots at 11 am this morning.
Chicken salad taco, you know, when you're out of bread and crackers, and high.
She just had to change the song on the radio cause I was tap dancing on her windshield
It's like hey here is one penis enjoy nothing but that for the rest of your life
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
I try new drugs instead of new boys. That way you can't scold me about the importance of condoms
I'm finally in my bed, my pants are off, and there's no pee on my carpet this is the best life has been all day
I really don't want to get drunk alone tonight. Like, I'll do it, but I won't enjoy it.
Ive decided to see your threat against my life as you flirting
I cut him off because he was changing my thermostat every time he came over
You made the right decision
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