Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
so on my way home this naked dude runs right in front me his weiner at half mast screaming i'm only doing this cause its a 50 dollar dare
do you think there was ever a doctor who smelled his finger after giving a prostate exam?
dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
i caught the condom in my mouth.. dont ask me how
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
i'm not sure when i reached "slam my own hand in the door" status but my half attached fingernail is not grateful.
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
Wake up, take the dog to the trails, puke in the woods. More days should start like this.
i woke up in his neighbors pool house. Not sure how I got here but there is people swimming outside. how do I escape?
just fucking run.
Happy birthday, you long dick monster
Sangria Sundays can't keep happening. Even my second grade students know I'm hungover. Benji even gave me his oreos its that bad
You're going to be mad because I got baked, but not that mad because I'm bringing home kfc.
I do have a history of lying to Customs. I once convinced them I was an astronaut.
I am at a cat party and I just witnessed people lapping vodka out of a bowl for a contest. Lol
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