The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
he screamed my twitter name while we were having sex.
Still at the library. i hate tax accounting so much that i've started calling it potions...
This glow in the dark vibrator will get me through this power outage
Dude you has no fucking this poptart
What?
I dont know to explain this.
Just got my cast off. My occupational therapist wants me to self-gratify. My clit is about to have an awesome weekend...
Im making gravy in a lace bra and jeans. Just call me the southwern wet dream
Have you ever chugged beers in the hospital parking garage with your mom?
I knew I was in trouble when she kept referring to the next day as things we should do
So you brought her to my house and left her on my couch.
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
you walked in, put on rap music and started chugging vodka
So last night took an interesting turn.. Never thought I'd say I had to pick up my glasses off the floor of a strip club
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
You threw up in your own shoe then wore it home
Every time I'm hungover I just want to watch Harry Potter and cry.
Randomize
