As far as classy things to do in front of your ex go, throwing up on your own shirt is not one of them.
You were so drunk last night you typed www.face.come/cheese.com as if you were logging into facebook.
I just told a dude I hooked up with last night he was the pick of the litter.
So I cleaned the toilet last night at 2 am and woke up with pink eye. Never doing that again.
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
You are forgiven. I sent you a picture of a pumpkin man as a gesture of reconciliation.
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
Clusterfucked is a frowned upon word in work related emails
he definitely had sex before you were fully potty trained.
These shoes are way too nice for a walk of shame. Its how I keep myself in line.
Believe it or not, that's part of the whole 'best friend' thing. It's not just yelling at me for making you leave the club early or taking the couch bc I'm doing sex while you're doing bjs.
posting about faith hill is really not helping you get me into your bed
woke with Taco Bell next to me in bed and people's shoe sizes written on my arm.
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
Only you could go on vacation to visit family and hook up with a pro NFL player from Tinder
Randomize
