I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
I wish i could tell a story about guys I know without the phrase "and then I blew him." coming up.
Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
I just saw someone marching around outside wearing only a loincloth, dragging a fuckton of sheet metal. Spring has Sprung.
No. He burped at a 3 year old, roared at him and proceeded to scream at the kid's parents to watch their child. The manager of Olive Garden was on our side.
When we were fucking he said and I quote "we're like a sex fajita"
How was the birthday sex?
Shit got outta hand. Honestly I think even my STDs have STDs.
He walked into the bar, took a deep sniff and said "this place is fertile and ready for my seed" then calmly walked to the service area
When we pulled over so you could pee, you made us stand over you and "make a roof"
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
Alright I'd bang a 4 sober, It's been like 3-4 weeks or how ever long 4th of July was ago. I wanna fuck something.
4th of July was 12 days ago. The date is literally in the text you just sent.
I don't care about the dates I just wanna bone something.
Yeah, but having a dick this size has ruined 3 marriages.
Omg I got up from his bed and almost did a header into the wall because I came so many times I forgot how to walk.
Apparent my drunk ass was so dedicated to taking a piss, when I walked across the dance floor to get to the bathroom a 9/10 broad tried to dance with me and I just pushed her aside, like hard enough to send her a few feet from where she was standing, pointed at her and said "Not now chief, gotta rock a mean one."
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