That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
But guess what. I'm gonna roll over and go to sleep cuz there's no cuddling in phone sex.
ahh summer, the season during which the prefix for every verb is "get drunk and"
We met at my place after separate parties but the condom wrapper was red with hearts and said love. Does that count as a romantic date?
There's so much relief when you realize you wake up in your own bed
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
Dude this stripper just dry humped the settings off my phone. She earned that dollar
i know. like I have the nerve to talk about poverty. I eat peanut butter out of the jar.
I have poison ivy and a broken finger. Don't have a threesome in the woods.
YO CONGRATULATIONS ON YOUR MÉNAGE À TROIS. YOU GO, GLENN COCO
she's the poster child for how alcoholism can be fun.
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
he rolled over in the morning and told me happy valentines day. i don't even know his first name.
But if you move out who will get drunk with me on the roof and yell at boys?!?
Randomize
