wow... just woke up to find out that the OJ we used in my bong last night was poured back into the carton
i think of them as a grilled chicken salad and a fried chicken biscuit. obviously Amy is better for me, but when i'm eating her all i can think about is how much better the blonde must taste.
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
i think i scared a bird with my dick
I told them I was gay and asked them to pass the pie. I ruined pumpkin pie for grandpa.
That boy has a whole ocean of crazy lying just beneath the surface waiting to rise up, he's like the tar sands of crazy
The number of males in the usa getting circumsized are decreasing. Keep this in mind when we become cougars
I was mid-sentence and you stopped me and said, "Yeah.. for my vaginas sake, I'm gonna need you to stop talking right now."
I dressed up as a "typical white girl" which meant I wore my yoga pants and uggs all night. BEST. IDEA. EVER. Most comfy halloween everrrr.
Your friend gave me you're number. I was the guy locked behind the book shelf.
I think you have the wrong number, but I hope you escaped your library-prison?
He fed me jello shota while i was sitting on the toilet and then he peed in the shower
National tequila day this year falls on a Monday. I've never been more disappointed in my life.
Finally finished unpacking shit from school n found a bra with no idea whose it is... I miss college so much it hurts sometimes
Straight up last night my mom was like josh you need to find a job that doesn't include the selling or transporting of drugs
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
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