my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
You know what is really helpful - when the two guys you want to fuck stand next to each other. Stay tuned for who wins
I just blew my nose and little bits of weed came out.
She had her laptop open and there was microsoft word opend and all was written was "no italianoo"
no. it doesnt count as road head if youre parked
we didnt even make it to the club...the two of us were sharing a plastc bag in the taxi puking into it.
You stuck your entire fist into a full jar of peanut butter and starting assaulting people
Last I remember we played rock paper scissors for who would fuck the guy with cowboy boots on and I won..
dude when im high using logic is an accomplishment that should be rewarded. make sure u get cinnamon twists
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
My gyno overestimated by 3 TIMES the amount of sex we have per week. First of all, he must think I'm a freak. Secondly, I think we should catch up.
My legs r really sober for running now
I don't think that's how sobriety works.
I texted him in the morning wishing him a day as spectacular as his dick was.
I found you laying in a field of grass near the trail I jog on in the morning like a drunken Bambi.
I must be pretty memorable. I was walking past this dude and he goes "There's the Scotch Girl." I have ZERO clue who he is, but I'm definitely the Scotch Girl.
Randomize
