Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
Blowing lines off from the book where the wild things are... bad babysitter?
you were eating the carrots out of my guinea pig's cage and saying that you needed them more than they ever would.
i'm pretty sure i'm on the same train we took last friday..
what?how do you know?
it appears they have not cleaned up your vomit yet.
You are writing your college essay comparing yourself to Lady Gaga, Vladimir Putin, and Dale Earnhardt Jr. and you are worried about the conclusion sounding cheesy?
You drunk invited us to do an intervention for you.
I ended up with a gash in my head from drunken dancing last night. I love life.
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
Well I think it's fate. Considering march is my fave month because it's my birthday and st. Patrick's day. And his name is Patrick. I'm sleeping with him all through march. No question.
Definitely worth waiting her kid to got to sleep when the first thing you hear once she's back is "I want you in my ass right now"
Is it possible to sluttify a hobbit costume? Cause if so, this will be my biggest accomplishment.
I just plagiarized Dr. Curtis Connor's ideology from Spider-man in an essay on genetically engineered embryos. College: academic integrity at its finest.
Mashed potatoes are always the fuckin answer ok.
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
My butthole is tingling. Must be the grapefruit juice
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