I must be too annoying 4 u.
Vomit. Vomit. Whatever. You wear a tiara in public.
I just put a condom on my dildo so i wouldng get another uti....most depresIng moment of.my LIFE
you can add "aspirated seaman" to the list of things your sister has been admitted to the hospital for
She keeps referring to it as an "us" Either she is seriously mistaken on what fuck buddies are or she learned another meaning of the word "us"
First lesson of the year: don't close the bar on mondays
You haven't puked in my sink in over a year.. Youre coming over this weekend
I was in the library and saw 2 dudes hackysacking in a study room with 3 girls working. I asked if I could join; as soon as I closed the door the chicks offered me tequila shots. study session w/everyone cancelled, I'm busy.
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
I am trying to take a picture of a man in a wheelchair trying to ship a michael jackson portrait
My vag is like the Sahara
Ew that's gross.
The sad truth. Barren and empty.
Oh my god, it's like someone broke the off button in my butthole
Sorry, I gave half my brain to my thesis and the other half to mdma
So TMI but just realizing I have not masturbated since trump took office. He's sucked the sex drive out of me.
Don't forget to grab a pregnancy test and sloppy joe mix for tonight
Randomize
