I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
he wouldn't shut up and let me sleep
yeah i got into a fight with my man last night
why can't men just shut up and put out?
Car fucking is for special occasions like birthdays and bank holidays. Don't want to lose the magic by making it an everyday thing.
The university put out a message about those missing salt and pepper shakers... You should at least give back 60 of them.
just realized i can abbreviate thomas paine as t pain in poli theory class notes....YES
when did my "fat clothes" just become my clothes...diet starts tomorrow
They asked if I wanted to shotgun a beer and before i could ask who had a knife they all had bit holes into the cans. Im never leaving Germany!
I don't have the urge to be a home-wrecker with these two. I think I've grown, don't you?
Printed off fake 'Producer' Sundance badges for us. Pretty sure they double as free passes for getting laid by 'actresses'. Testing this theory tonight.
Fuck you come back. The old guy next to me is complementing me on my great choice of ring fingers,
As your attorney I advise you to rage rapidly
Wait, tell the rest at happy hour. I wanna be able to interrupt you with my loud cackles and stupid questions.
He specifically said I couldn't post the picture of him passed out naked except for a strategically placed washcloth. Where's the fun in that?
YOU'RE MARRIED. TO OTHER PEOPLE.
How many more of your relationships do I have to destroy before you realize sleeping with me isn't a good idea?
I described my life as a 7 layer cake of death
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