So I went outside my house this morning and basically my entire front lawn is covered in gummi bears... I think that involves you guys.
New plan: we get a little bit drunk and go to 24 hour fitness and be eachothers wing people so we can hit on in shape hot people at a gym instead of drunk idiots at a bar.
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
I thought about puking over the balcony or the bathroom and figured the balcony seemed much funner.
You're making her cookies in enchange for knitting lessons. You will die a virgin.
I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.
He fucked me so hard I might have to go to the hospital for internal bleeding
Can I have him when you're done?
I got a thank you card in the mail from the virgin i slept with on the camping trip. Weird or the new classy?
I'm just going to lay in a blanket cocoon of self pity for the next few months.
You should be glad you didn't come with last night. I watched pirate porn for the first time in my life as the 9th wheel.
The whorange rubbed off. His white shirt was so gross at the end of the night I told him to frame it.
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
I think pants incapable of making pants work
well I ran around the park drunk with a plastic baby and fell, all while screaming "I WILL PROTECT YOU CARLOS", yeah there's video
Randomize