i mean really, i cant compete with a cucumber
three words: i give head
three words: not that well
I just got fire extinguished by his roommate while we were having sex. That's just taking cock blocking to a whole new level.
I mean, once you help another girl drunker than you zip her jeans you can't help but be friends after that
This is probably the only time in my life I'm going to be able to say I'm going to the hospital too smoke weed and play Mario kart.
say 'i' if you broke up a fight involving your father at TD bank today....
That's the first time I've ever heard something that tickled both my gag reflex and my penis simultaneously.
While running home from the bar in high heels I multi- tasked and sexted with Brent. Jesus.
they had to take the Corona's out of the fish tank because they wouldn't fit with the mini replica of the roman coliseum in there. so we drank the Corona's. does beer have an expiry date?
I'm eating those little wheels of cheese and watching storage wars, this is the opposite of sex.
My heart stopped for a sec, but I snorted what I believe was cocaine off the floor, and I'm back in the fight
Sorry about the picture of wills balls via snapchat last night btw
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
So I've reached a new low. After completing my walk of shame and being told "see you around", I took off my heels to discover he had came in my shoe.
He’s like an awkward walking penis that has a personality attached
Randomize
