I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
i don't remember it, but i know we had sex because my stuffed animals were facing the wall
You showed the cops outside of the bar your boobs and then decided to go apologize to them. They admitted that the reason they hung out there was because of girls like you.
My own vomit just splashed me in the face. How's your day going
i feel like everytime i say im going to quit drinking someone comes along with a better idea about drinking
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
OMG HAIR ON HIS DICK. HAIR ON HIS DICK AS IN GROWING OUT OF HIS DICK. HAIR.
honestly, i just want you to have sex with him too so that you can fully understand my appreciation of his dick as well.
Your little brother is asking me for an "expert opinion" on his dick size.
The Medal of Honor you banged could be at the inauguration today. You really dropped the ball on keeping up with that one.
Is it bad that I'm using the photo I took for my fake ID as my linkedin profile pic?
So basically he is jobless, a potential serial killer, and has poor taste in music? We simply don't have time for that.
Brother gave me a harry potter philosophy book for xmas we need to get stoned and talk about this.
Met a beautiful Irishman two nights in a row. I may never come back.
He calculated like a serious conversion in his head the other day and got a crazy number and I was like damn that’s hot please proceed to take your clothes off.
Randomize
