you woke up, pulled a beer bottle out of your pants..took a drink and went back to sleep.
I want someone to please me without me having to show him steps 1 through 5
He is like the real live version of the state fair..
i don't want you to think of me as your TA
Well fuck that. I mean, I made out with my cousin once. Who gives a fuck.
you inspire me to be a worse person
We have to have sex while I'm dressed as a tiger. It's one of my life goals
You know you're hung-over when you're smoking and have the strong urge to eat the cigarette. No more buckets of gin. No. More. Ever.
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
im on the hungover til tuesday pabst blue ribbon diet
Holy shit, just saw a girl in the library smoking a bong disguised as a calculator
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
Dude you came into the room last night soak and wet and told me you just took a shit in the shower
The kid with the ed hardy shirt put a bunch of random shit in the washer and turned it on. example: a hanger, the movie Chocolate with Johnny Depp, and your mom's cat
Randomize