he told me I talked like a deaf person
Kinda wish I banged him. I need the exercise.
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
All I need is the Internet and a place to drink.
I won't drink with you again until you promise to not feed me anymore paper bags
she kept yelling about wanting tacos, so I gave her a piece of bologna in a tortilla. she didn't know the difference
we are blowing up condoms and making balloons and we’re drunk on the floor. You could have come to school here
You crowd surfed from beer pong into the bathroom where you spent the rest of the night, also I have your wallet
Realized we were outta oj used gerber graduates mixed fruit juice as a mixer. Mother of the Year award right here
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
Never let a one night stand shower at your place. My razor, lotion, and brush disappeared. #girlcode
the shoes thing blows my mind idk how the fuck i did that and im also missing 4 of my birth control pills like did i drunkenly decide to overload my body with estrogen
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
Was Mr. ROBOT good? I missed it. I just fucked dental hygienist on the trampoline in my backyard
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
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