ran into someone who graduated hs with us while i was paying for booze in quarters. i love it when people from my past catch me in my classier moments.
I wouldnt endorse that guy if he was walking in a walkathon to raise money for a disease i had
I found the perfect eye liner, it passed the blow job test, no smudging!!
Tell nick i'm sorry for throwing a block of cheese at him last night
just let her blow you already, it's practically animal cruelty at this point.
How was the party last night?
There's a mountain bike in the middle of our apartment. No one will claim it.
No more co-pays for contraceptives. Whoever says Obama is a bad guy has clearly never had a pregnancy scare.
And dildos are 35% off. So. Ya know. Savings.
I know it's 10:30am but Finding Dory starts in an hour, and I have four points of molly. You down?
Getting paid in weed to watch a pregnant adult with cooking skills is the TITS
Also your Swedish friend who's name I don't remember is really good in bed.
*Norwegian
Why is there bacon in the couch?
I just peed on myself the semester has officially began.
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
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