my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
I wish I could tape me & him having sex. Not for pornographic reasons, just for comic relief.
I'm sorry. I really don't see what's wrong with pregaming before a wine tasting.This champagne won't drink itself.
The wine tasting is just for charity anyways...
should i be impressed or disgusted that i was spitting glow-in-the-dark?
I wish you could be here to assess my herpes before he gets here.
What kind of outfit says I totes want you to take me in the airplane bathroom?
if you fuck our toilet off the wall again, i'm going to be so mad.
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
the reason i can drink whatever i want and you have a limit is because whiskey will never make my pussy not work
Quick how do you hit on a guy in the car behind you? It's important.
I changed his name in my phone to "Irrelevant" last night. Not changing it back.
Stop talking and go back to bed. You're in the kitchen in your underwear and slept in your car.
when I finally convinced you to get off the floor you looked at me wild-eyed and said "the carpet was a VAST EXPANSE OF SEA"
might I remind you I fucked a 21 year old and almost did coke with strangers? you definitely came out on top
Randomize
