Mario Lopez is the poor mans Ryan Seacrest
My parents showed me my IQ test from fourth grade, I'm shitting on my potential.
i know. thats why i need an open bar. i'll get hammered and make a toast about how his dick is like the titanic. large, but full of failure.
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
I have a feeling that watching gay porn with you was the reason I was dancing in a hurricane of floating dicks in my dream last night.
It's like I just got slapped in the face with the cock of nostalgia.
Every bar we ever go to has a woman there who hates him. Getting so much vagina has never seemed so not glorious
Haunted Houses: fun, lame, or love to sneak off and get fingered in the dark alley way?
I saw pigeons eating ur dried up puke today. Last night was fucking great
It gives me purpose in life to help fulfill nerdy fantasies. Like I'm doing something good for mankind and having multiple orgasms in the process.
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
Some girls mom just approved of me banging her on Fb.... For the whole world to see.. I'm officially a god.
Wasted. And I have 5 pounds of potatoes that I'm responsible for.
I just woke up and my ass is covered in honey and my eye brows are shaved off.
Sorry I banged your sister. But in my defense you ain't fucked me in a month. In fact I should get a medal for keeping it in your family.
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