dude, my face is all kinds of fucked up right now. and don't even start with i told you so...
How come the only thing we can do right in our lives is drugs?
You know what sound is wonderful for a hangover? Listening to the horns from the South Africans at the world cup
She's thinkin about havin beer pong at her reception... She's walkin a fine line between trashy and the best idea ever
Almost peed between 2 cars...till I realized that it's daytime and I'm sober.
I'm hoping to finish this bottle of wine before I pass out, I don't want the remainder spilling on my white down comforter.
we used a swiffer mop as a stripper pole.
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
Oh I forgot to tell u. I hit someone with my car in the RiteAid parking lot. More like a nudge.
Uhg.. This isn't fair. I just want to have sex with you until i lose consciousness, wake up and start over... is that so much to ask?
I love you more than champagne and correct grammar
It feels like you stuck your dick in a fire and then branded the inside of me.
Would nail polish remover take gorilla glue off my nipples? We had a strange night.
Haha. I have resting bitch face. He has I want y'all to die face. It's a subtle difference
I think the hamburger goblin stole my cigarettes. I left my purse behind her table and they're not in it now.
Randomize
