I'm not crazy, I only keep calling you cause you won't pick up.
he wanted to give me a nickname... my choices were superjugs,godzilla boobs or mouth of fury
i just traded a sweatshirt for margaritas... why did they ever stop using the barter system??!!
sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
I just woke up to people screaming "funnel" in my kitchen....
Happy St. Patrick's Day.
Last night I walked out of the bar got in a cab asked the cabi to circle the block. he did and brought me right back to the bar. I paid him $7 thanked him and walked back into the bar.
Just remembered to take my BC at the liquor store. Just swallowed it with a free sample of Whiskey.
It was a rude awakening when I turned on my phone and the first thing I saw was a picture of David's dick with a face on it, I need to stop drinking in his basement...
Someone got day drunk, but I'm not saying who.
It was me.
Just found weed in an empty handle. Who knew Capitan Morgan was also a gardener?
Wanna play whack-a-mole in my pants?
Your word choices worry me.
Look I'm sorry I stuffed your wife's bouquet toss but I won't have that weak shit in my house.
There was a deer right in front of me when I came. Sex in the forest is awesome
Did I seriously answer the door for a home delivery of weed from you and your boss while wearing last night's 80s rockstar face paint?
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
Randomize
