Just saw a girl trying to crack an egg with her butt cheeks. I think I know what we're doing thursday night.
I'm pretty sure this all started when I found a vibrator in my mom's sock drawer and had my first orgasm when I was ten...
so it turns out, not only do the doormen judge the girls I bring home, but they rate them.
Reason #1 for no sex outdoors: Mosquito bites. Awkward, awkward mosquito bites.
some people offered us free beer as long as we shotgunned it and after you shotgunned four without pausing they took their offer back
All I know is she had me sitting on the kitchen floor with her little Pomeranian eating potato chips And shredded cheese. I don't even know dude. I don't even know.
IM A DRUNK BIRTHDAY CLEOPATRA MESS. CELEBRATE THAT BITCH
Sudden memory flashback: drunk me outside ripping my tampon out and throwing it into the neighbors yard, silently cheering 'time for sexxxx'. I sense a dangerous pattern emerging
Just had to find a way to explain to the border patrol that we were coming into canada "for about a half hour to have one last under 21 drink before kendals birthday at midnight." He said ok and told us where the closest bar was. Nice man.
I tripped while walking across the stage and while trying to pick my diploma back up my flask fell out in front of the dean
PS- My flight is being emergency landed bc someone smuggled cats on the plane.
I get stoned and write a 15 page history report in two hours. She gets stoned and cries because she "doesn't know which shade of pink is the real one".
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
Just had an orgasim to the Star Spangled Banner so.. it was all worth it.
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
Randomize
