My girlfriend figured out who you are.
my coke dealer is running a Black Friday special
i just taught a 3 year ld how to do a jager bomb, i cant wait to have kids
But why is there no point in liking him? Does he have herpes? Is he married? Is he gay? Did he get his penis chopped off in a freak accident? If the answer is no to all of the above, then he is fair game
Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart.
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
he wouldn't lick chocolate syrup off of me because he's vegan. most awkward shower ever.
There's no way I'm ready for marriage. I have too many pics of other guys' junk on my phone for an eternal commitment right now.
I've found a new low. I was climb-on-the-bar-piano drunk.
Actually, I take that back. You can only have it if I'm allowed to French braid the mullet.
It was at the same house, but a different party, when lesbians set me on fire. So there's that.
i want to shrink myself down to penis size, climb inside of her pussy and just live there for a few months.
he was wearing a widestriped red gingham suit jacket with complete sincerity im not surprised she beat the shit out of him
In case I die. I'm in ares truck with a bartender named Dave from chuys. JUST IN CASE. And let the people know my last words were suck my dick. My like literally.
I wrote life affirmations on my notes to repeat and read several times a day so I become a better person, see the time on the toilet has been constructive
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