Does it count as a shower if I just sat in the tub singing I'm a Little Teapot?
She's not depressed. She's just sober. It's like the same thing.
and now that ive poetically compared your vagina to a nuclear missile, I hope youre prepared for this date.
Having drunken flash backs of me giving you a piggy back ride. I was like Jesus, and you were my cross. I fell so many times for you. This is true friendship.
If we could never, ever tell mike i pissed in his closet, that would be really really great
It was all cool until he grabbed my vag and started screaming: THIS IS MINE.
Walking down the street trying to find the pants I had on last night
No like you fell onto the fence. I don't even know how you got into the fenced in area.
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
sorry like um she made me hold her puke bag while she peed in front of me is that better
The worst part about living in a small town is partying with your pharmacist and then having to buy Plan B from him the next morning.
I'm going to get old and fat one day... probably pretty soon and I'm not going to have any pictures to show to my cats of what I once looked like.
WE'RE NOT MAKING A DICK PIZZA OKAY
Your cock has been in the back of my throat. Co-worker is no longer a sufficient title. Fix that shit ASAP
Got so drunk last night I kinda sent a super on point sext to his kid sister...say a prayer man
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