a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
I told my rommate that he was pissing on his bed. He said "ok man" and took a step backwards and continued. He then went back to bed.
I need a hobby that doesnt involve alcohol and my tv
I woke up with cheeseburger in my mouth and a deep sense of accomplishment.
When I sent you a text telling you to splash water on your face, you texted me back with 'Iwehre N qyull.'
some gay kid said he wanted to blow him because "his eyebrows told a story"
I want to apologize but I don't know how. Do I just say "sorry for OD'ing on your couch"? I think that just sounds weird.
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
Before he comes over remember the house standards. Ask yourself "will he stalk my sister or myself in the future?". If the answer is yes, then no, he isn't allowed.
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
The bad thing is that I bled through my bandages last night and keep finding blood around the house. It's almost like a scavenger hunt for solber me. I get to find out where drunk me went.
Note to self: dont wear a butt plug for several hours and then go gym and try and do squats
I got a pots and pans set and a vibrator. Merry Crisis.
Hey! Its not the first time I've been eaten out in a bridesmaids dress in a church by a groomsman!
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