Would it be quicker to bike the freeway home?
Martha Stewart would most definitely roll a great joint.
I've never been so happy to start my period. I'm gonna let everyone in the store see me buying tampons.
You guessed 7 of 8 bra sizes correctly. You're like a drunk rainman.
i made potato chips in weed oil. what did you do today?
He just asked if I would make his black snake moan. Dating basketball players is not worth the glory
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
Drinking heavily at 3pm and about to rescue a 30lb street turtle. Dont even bother attempting to rise to this level bitch
I am pretty sure we beat baby seals over the head in a past life. That is why we are being punished.
And tan into my neighbor in the elevator. She was going to the gym. I was covered in mascara and dog hair eating a hash brown
I tried to light my cup as a bong. I'm done drinking
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
Randomize
