my little brother just caught me blowing my step cousin in the lobby bathroom at our family reunion
Sitting in the library lobby in the middle of exam week. Drunk. Dressed as santas slutty helper. Waiting for the student shuttle service. People are clapping for me as they walk by. Tell me how this isnt college
my grandma just put on bowling shoes, to play wii bowling.
you haven't felt a hangover until you wake up after a night of snorting tequila.
the bar tender told me i could keep an air matress in the backroom.
Sex tent. say it aloud its amazing. promise you we rnt stoned.
Yes, but if I hadn't gotten here early, I never would have seen the butch lesbian midget waddling down stairs from the bar. Worth every minute of drinking alone.
After the 3rd time his brother walked in on us I asked "Does he ever knock?" his reply "This is his room"... Turns out he didn't even live there... I feel like a hoe.
Why are your underwear on my dining room table?
Hey, I'm renting a storage locker for the summer to keep all my bondage shit in so my parents don't see it. You wanna split on it for your all your weed shit?
I couldn't fall back asleep it was too bright so I just took my sports bra off and put it over my eyes
The cops wrote boobs in the police report. ...vandalism is our calling
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
all I want for my birthday is booze and sex toys. don't bother calling if neither of those are included.
not only did I call my ex crying but drunk me also deleted the phone log so I had no warning when I saw him in class
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