is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
My vag has a bald spot. That is so middle aged. Is this my midlife crisis?
she was literally 3 feet away from the garbage can, said she couldn't make it, and then proceeded to vomit on the floor in front of everyone in the restaurant
I just watched some guy take a shot of jack Daniels, chase it with a shot of ciroc & then violently rip his pants off. You have to come here.
BTW, you ever shave a dick into my dog, I'll cut you. I'll laugh first, but then I'll cut you
I'm smoking a bowl with matches and a candle while my mother washes dishes downstairs. I thought adulthood was supposed to be different.
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
Dude. I need you to practice dancing around in your banana hamock. Party boy style. I'll call later with details.
Fuck you, dude, I'm not sharing my weed anymore if you're going for the Panthers.
It got weird the panthers lost and we started throwing wings at one another
so i showed up to the bars in a sombrero and a tie as a headband... so yeah, they didn't let me in
Shit. My boss is having me meet and greet with the new doc upstairs. Do you think his doctor powers will detect that I'm still high?
Nope. Im a prince of the americas. I treat my women like future queens. Also, im drunk watching the royal wedding
i mean ive seen your left buttcheek how much more bro can this get
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