You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
She rode me to the beat of Baby Got Back. I swear to god.
ofcourse shes the first one pregnant. wasnt she the one who asked the middle school health teacher how many calories are in sperm?
the line for where the wild things are looks like radiohead had sex with an urban outfitters
Dude I thought this was going to suck, but moving back in with my dad is like being at a frat party every night only everyone is 40 years old.
I have fifteen cents in cash and 80 cents in the bank. BUT I have weed.
He just came into the room wearing nothing but a Speed Racer helmet. I think he just invented a fetish.
Listen. I don't care if its "nontoxic" im not putting it in my fucking vagina.
It's supposed to be a shit show, it's an end of the world party.
We did shots with the Tupperware consultant last night. I'd say the night was a success.
I tried to walk home in my heels. And I fell into a snow bank. And then I cried and a policeman came up to me and said I can't sit in a snowbank and got me a cab. So maybe that's where I left my credit card. I remember the cop asking me if I was old enough to drink, too. OMG. How embarrassing. Pretty sure I told him to "leave me alone."
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
The guy I hooked up with two weeks ago just friended me on Venmo, I honestly won't be mad if he pays me for the sex
I'm eating ice cream out of my purse
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
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