How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
My boobs are too big for things to be going this downhill in my life.
I fucked him in a hamburger. literally. he has a hamburger bed.
i feel like everytime i say im going to quit drinking someone comes along with a better idea about drinking
They glued all of the ceiling tiles shut.
oh my god. you caused complete remodeling to a college campus that you don't even go to
I found what appears to be half an E pill and part of a tooth in my pocket this morning
She kept saying how cute and adorable I was. I felt like a care bear getting a blowjob
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
And by pregame I mean drink heavily and watch Russian dash cam car crash vids
I left the bar I'm on a bench across from the bowling alley taking a nap please come get me. I've had three lollipops.
We talked about breaking up, had sex, and in the middle of said sex, talked more about breaking up- best sad day ever
Last night I had a dream that a man with an ice cream body entered a bicycle throwing contest and won.
Apparently my hair turned out really good because I got my butthole licked by a stranger last night
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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