somehow on my way home with matt, I ended up straddling steve on the sidewalk and polling the people walking by on whether or not we should have sex.
So, I just pissed in her shampoo bottle. Hope she enjoys a late golden shower from me.
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
My mouth already tastes like senor cuervo took a piss in it and it's barely 1 am
I'll come out for a little. I can't be visibly hungover at work again or I get written up and fired. And yes, I am aware of how alcoholic that sounds.
yea. Don't mess. He will heal me. But my blowjobs will be historical.
I did the crab walk everywhere because I was drunk enough that it was easier than standing up.
Can I please come dance in my bra to destiny's child with you? I'll bring the wine and the glitter
Jailed a totally belligerent hot guy. That was probably my most thorough pat down. Ever.
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
I found my limit. I will not, in fact, blow my 78 year old professor for an A in his class.
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
But he was still all, "YOU TEXTED TONY WHILE YOU WERE GETTING FUCKED?!" Like THAT was the weird part.
tell me about the eggs
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
Randomize
