just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
her name was charlotte except you kept calling her chatroulette and yelling at her to show you her boobs
his name is devion and he has a voice like velvet and handcuffs
I didnt finish. My brain kept playing the duck tales theme thru the entire blow job
I drank enough to tranq a steed. You really missed out
I am laying in your bed and just found a bottle of wine under your pillow ...should have married you...
I'm not sure how to explain it, but I feel like our penises have a connection. Like long lost brothers. We're not even gay.
I can't believe i lost my ID... bringing my birth certificate to the club was a weird experience
I found a video of us drunkenly yelling "we wanna be the Pope" as we passed around the blunt
She told me she loves wine, but hates the mud butt the next day. Dude, way to much info on a second date.
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
He threatened my life and my car because I called you. Are you sure you never slept with him ?
HIDE THE INFLATABLE PENIS
Congrats, you are the first person our bartender ever met that actually needed wheeled out of a bar in a wheelchair. He said you were his hero.
Randomize
