I should be sponsored by Trojan
I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
she told me her two favorite things were grocery stores and dick.
I never once brought up his unibrow when he was insulting me. That's class.
I woke up naked on the bathroom floor. the tile grout marks on my boobs hurt, i mananged to use a roll toilet paper as a pillow. never again. did we eat salad?
THE BIG GAY MAD HATTER IS HERE AND HE HAS DRUGS IN HIS PANTS FOR YOU. COME DOWNSTAIRS BITCHEZZZZ
When you get to his house tomorrow, follow your instincts. Find the cat first.
got blackout drunk at the conference and wandered around Minneapolis with a homeless person until one of the other interns found me...I think I'm ready for adulthood.
So I dropped $130 while buying shots for an army ranger, got my fake taken, almost went to jail, and came out of my black out when I was talking to the cops with a stolen detour sign in my hands.
I am sufficiently unimpressed with the options available to my freshly shaved self tonight.
Besides the fact that the only male who has shown an interest in me in the last 5 months has a strange and unfortunate resemblance to fucking Frodo, I've been good thanks
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
It's national "dress up your pet day" come over. Drugs and dressed up cats..it's the shit dreams are made of.
I know. I'm a saint. Saint of sitting on faces.
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
Randomize
