I've been thinking and really it's a miracle I haven't had an STD yet.
I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
you were almost asleep and mumbling "your penis is on my cheek"
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
Just registered some guy for opium withdrawals. WTF opium withdrawals, who does opium anymore.
Anytime you have a hot, flirty, married woman that wants to ride you like a horse and slap your ass, you've got to do it.
Yeah, but four times?
Just went through ex bf's and hook up buddys and liked pictures of them on facebook. A friendly reminder that I will be back in for the holidays
i find it unbelievable that you didn't think it was necessary to intervene when i started letting people autograph my body with spray tan.
at the last minute we also decided to throw an egg in the beer bong. and he drank it, shell and all.
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
Is it too early to start pregaming for St. Patty's?
Things my liver can't take in one weekend. Surprise nights off at work and male strippers. Woke up jaundiced.
She's astronaut crazy. She will wear Depends and drive 12 hrs non-stop if you swipe right.
Challenge accepted
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
The economy cant be that bad, I willingly got fired to bang her again.
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