my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
Haha Tomato, Tomato. That doesn't work very well via text message.
There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
Oh and then this old man who saw it happen goes "don't do that"
Hahaha what a helpful old man. Like you thought it was normal to be spilling gas everywhere.
vaguely remember the bartender stopping me outside last night so he could pull the duct tape out of my hair
Just because I tried to backhand you with a fist full of cash does not make me violent
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
We wore fake mustaches and shirts that said team mustache ride to a party we weren't even invited to
Halloween is the only night where I would ever end up getting a guy's makeup all over my face
I may or may not be wearing slippers and a TMNT hat. This thing better not have a dress code.
Flacco has been sacked like 7 times. His name also auto corrects to Flaccid. That's so sad
A guy just grabbed my balls before he shook my hand because he thought he knew me.
HOW DID I LET MYSELF GET SUCKED IN HE HAS A PENIS FOR PETE'S SAKE.
Is it just me or is it like a girl gets married and all of a sudden she’s a “blogger”?
I s2g I’m about to get ghosted by a 34 yr old and my Oedipus complex cannot take it
Randomize
