We need to get cat food
Nevermind, the cat will eat lucky charms
How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
Oh. He liked you.
Then you said "Are you asian?, I didn't know there was Asians in Colorado."
I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
i just packed a bowl on a big bird place mat and smoked it in a spaceship with a slide. i love babysitting.
Before you ask, yes. Whatever you're wearing IS too slutty for his mom's funeral.
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
come on down! you are the next contestant on the night is drunk!
All of the hungover. I've changed not showered but can't quite make it to the booze.
WE'RE IN THE RED ZONE PLAY THRU THE PAIN
I'm dipping store brand pepperoni pizza in bacon flavored ranch dressing. Obesity tastes so good.
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
I should get him a card "thanks for letting me use you for your penis on and off as I see fit and for being a nice guy. My boobs and I appreciate your loyalty and dedication"
So what's your itinerary for Amsterdam?
Show up, get drunk, get laid, try not to miss my flight home.
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
my grocery list today consisted of condoms. and butter.
umm... whats the butter for?
Randomize
