You just compared our sex life to a seven year old kid.
Just turned rock'em sock'em robots with my little cousin into a drinking game. Im drinking bourbon hes drinking hot chocolate.
normally i'm against accepting campers on facebook but this one saw me giving head to another counselor and didn't say shit about it to my boss so i feel like shes earned the right to look at my sloppy drunk pictures
i've decided that sluts are like cars. they may look good as hell on the outside, but you never know what kind of shit is hiding under the hood.
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
Drinking wine out of an empty soup can and watching spongebob squarepants.. I eveb hate myself
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
Getting my nails done with Diana... I'm going for the keep your friends close and the girl who's dating the guy you want to fuck closer
I just shit a hot coal. Pretty sure it's that fireball shot from yesterday.
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
Tell me how you feel about belly buttons
My TA is here with a sombrero and an entire bottle of Svedka. Skip jury duty.
We almost drove away from the bar with a British stranger in our trunk...
found a thong and $20 in my right pocket. it's going to be a good day
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