I had to get a ride home from that girl that slept with 3/4 of the band
He yelled GOOOOAAAALLL when he came.
I skipped work to stalk him.
All we did was argue about ponys and drug dealers
He was eating her out on the elevator. What a good man.
He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
Ideas for halloween. We need simple yet hilarious. Cheap yet effective. Slutty yet acceptable. Go.
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
Don't be too mad at the guy who broke your kitchen table. Didn't get his name, but he knew all about your gay porn career. Like DETAILS...
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
I seriously think I may just have to live here. In this bed. Naked.
Can I join you for some emotional "Post: The Ohio State University's first lose in football after a 24 game winning streak" sex?
I'm serious-it was like trying to deep-throat a minivan.
Bachelorette party buss just rolled into down town. DTF, "horny hotties inside" and "show us your dicks" written on the windows....this could get interesting.
Randomize
