You should have seen her outfit yesterday. It was like pretty woman before Richard Gere gave her money to buy a new outfit.
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
I'm going to start telling people I'm a sophomore so they stop asking me about college and what I want to do with my life
Yeah. I realized I have a weakness for drugs and I need to move somewhere where I don't know how to find them.
crossing my fingers that hitting golf balls off my pourch was a dream and not something that actaculy happened
I'm hiding in a cabinet. I'm going to stay here.
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
I would do everything over again, except the fireball.
We set around a table in a hotel room and he spoon fed Molly to everyone there... I felt sketch for sec but then... Oh well.
These morning walks of shame have became my morning jogs
It was probably bad to sleep with someone just to pet his dog right?
I had no plans to sleep with him, but he had to stay because of the snow. I always say, don't look a gift storm in the mouth.
Things could not have gone more poorly if I had stripped naked and run through the Sahara with sirloins tied to my vagina.
She stood up through my sunroof the entire drive home. screaming her ass off and singing free falling..
If I slept with her my dick would come out glittery
coward.
Randomize
