Did you hallucinate the same white buffalo that I did last night.
No, but I did see you shaking hands with a homeless man.
They were like stripper heels, except business stripper heels, the kind strippers would wear to court.
there is a time and a place for ass-grabbing and that was not it.
I puked in the revolving door and had to sit down on the escalator. That hungover. It's safe to say people are judging me.
Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend. I woke up at 7 this morning to drive your mistake home because you wouldn't get up.
It's all sex hats and vagina bandages with you isn't it?
If I believed in "responsibility" and "having limits", I would probably say I consumed too much alcohol in the last 48 hours
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
one minute he's happily playing with a lighter and the next thing I know, he's screaming and the swing set is on fire
Wait do you remember that guy last night asking to use my nose ring to open his beer.......
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
its Niagara falls. its like international waters. You can get away with anything there
I ate cake in bed. Felt great
as a lesbian i'd like to thank joe biden and also america for giving us this absolute MILF for a VP
Randomize
