I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
I think my emotional moodswings have reached a new low. I cried for the entire duration of changing my tampon.
The crowning achievement of my weekend was hooking up with someone I'm at least facebook friends with.
I wasted some perfectly good semen on her
remember last year when i left for the bar in flip flops and came back in heels?
it happened again.
His concept of male bonding is doing lines in adjacent stalls.
No, trust me. Falling down the stairs is a fucking sobering experience.
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
It's always a good night until the penis tattoo makes an appearance
Haha. Fifty shades ain't got shit on me. My tits look like they got in a fight.
No. I either had a 6 minute orgasm or I had so many I lost count. I'm still not sure.
I've orgasmed four times in the past 24 hours. And my mom's dropping off cookies later
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
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