In hindsight, i should have predicted that a drink called the 'rocky mountain bear fucker' would not end in a pleasant experience
her orgasm sounded like a fucking walrus crying.
I've decided the third guy that I slept with is who I lost my virginity to...
my mom just cut me up lemons and limes so i would have some vitamins with my tequlia
I have to think about this realistically and not with my vagina.
your ex girlfriend just barged in my house, drunk, mumbled something about "car strip", and put a huge hole in my drywall with her head.
My period started right as he was entering, which really helped me sell the "I've never done this before" bit.
I can't figure out if I'm dying from all of the booze still in my system, or from the cement wall.
I just don't remember. It's like I went to bed on July 3rd.. and woke up on the 5th. Nothing.
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
I just used a thesaurus to write a sext...
I'm getting a car wash man. I am go get a car wash high.
It was just a matte of pubes and mustard.
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
Randomize
