Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
I'm sending you this that that when you wake up and see the girl sleeping next to you, you know who to thank
I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...
she uses eco-friendly sex toys. she is the literal definition of a hippie.
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
he might be the rich husband I pretend to love for the rest of my life!!!!
The fact that she put a frat guy in check tells me I did some good raising my little sister. Time to see if she does keg stands.
Wake your ass up this is a day of horror where we get horroibly drunk and sleep with tandom dudes who wish they were super heros ps i havr stuffed animals over my privates im a petting zoo this year
I'm ok. I've got the pantsless-with-dignity thing down pat
It's like the bat signal. He only texts me when I'm naked.
I CAN ONLY BE THE BIRDIE ON YOUR SHOULDER WHO LEADS YOU INTO BAD DESCISIONS
I'm only bisexual one week out of the month. Nothing like ovulation hormones to make the genders of my hookups seem completely irrelevant.
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
Hi darlin, what are you doing tonight?
.... Things I will not be proud of
Randomize
