So right when I was pulling her underwear off with my teeth, she told me, "Stick your penis in my 'nanners." Needless to say, there was no penis-'nanner interaction.
So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof
Every now and then I'll talk to a creeper for an extended amount of time. Randy, for instance, funded our entire night of horrible decisions.
its taking every last moral i have not to steal this bike
you still have morals?
Well actually itd just be too hard to ride the bike with this large rake i just stole
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
We fist bumped behind their backs while drunk hooking up with them... Do other girls do this too? Or is it just us?
Pretty sure the purpose of joining wine clubs isn't to drink the 2 bottles they send you each month IN THE SAME NIGHT.
I'm in Starbucks carrying the boxes wine and the hubcap. So many judging looks.
Oh, and also, a couple of straight girls showed up. But they ran away.
I partied with a deaf mute last night. strangely enough the more drunk I get the easier it is to understand him.
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
The way I kissed her was actually pretty charming and then it devolved to car sex
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
You give an incredible blow job. I wanted to make sure you know it was appreciated
do you think there's enough of the fabric you gave me to make a crop top for a cat?
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