One is full of apple juice. One is full of tequila. This is real russian roulette my friend.
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
You offered me some of your "Jungle Juice." It was just 151 and Absinthe. I don't know how you are still alive.
How do i politely tell him his dick looks like it went thru a meat grinder?
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
Omg one side of my Labia is asleep. Has that ever happened to you?
No I have an idea, I saw you running through the neighborhood at 3am while I searched for my flip flops in a ditch
I just sneaky put a tampon in on the bus ninja-style.
......how on earth do you do that?
NINJAAAA
He was so drunk and proud of his 6-month-gym-results he actually made me touch his whole naked body.
I would totes reciprocate the nip pic, but I'm sick with a piece of tissue shoved up one of my nostrils and I'm just not feeling that ambitious. Sorry.
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
I'm watching Part of Your World now and I'm crying and I feel like I'm floating right along with her. This. This right here is some drunken Disney Magic
taking shots alone in my kitchen before I go learn to give a lapdance. when did this become my life?
Just found a handle of Tito's in my TV stand
Can't recall when I put that there, but let's goooo
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
Randomize
