I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
dude...I wrote 15 jersey shore quotes on her body. she is going to do the walk of shame with snookie on her forehead.
Have you been tested recently?
Well I got my shots when I was a baby so I think I'm immune
I woke up naked on the bathroom floor. the tile grout marks on my boobs hurt, i mananged to use a roll toilet paper as a pillow. never again. did we eat salad?
Tidal wave of highness just hit. Find shelter and catnip. gloves. zebra striped car washes.
Do you remember calling me and dedicating a shot to me?
think they'd let him outta jail for my wedding? we could have him back by like midnight....
I don't want to die alone with cake watching shows about cake
Nothing makes me happier than finding out someone else is pregnant and it's not you.
Look at you go. You're like the Slutty Librarian that Could. They should write children's books about you. Children's books for adults.
Why is there a muffler in the livingroom?
First, I just want to say that I had nothing to do with it. Second, how good is your car insurance?
Got super judged by this lady at the Rolling Stones concert last night. Bitch don't look so salty at my dad and I splitting two joints, an edible, and two margaritas. It's the stones.
If it exists, I've probably pregamed it.
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
there is such a gross feeling of satisfaction when the married guy i used to hook up with likes my facebook status.
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