is your mom at the bar?
My brain is officially off for summer until late august. If that guy wants to fuck me, he better do it soon.
The frequency that you give me blue balls couldn't be healthy.
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
I found a tip from a dart in my bra this morning
I remember pointing out how smooth my legs were to try to direct his attention away from my vagina.
Hey, can you come over and kill me real quick
Walmart at night is scary enough without having to run into people you've slept with
She's cool and all but if she eats my food again I'm gonna fucking drop kick her ass. No one touches my lunchables. NO ONE.
My boss doesn't know what jello shots are. I've lost faith in this company.
I've peed outside too many times in just this past week
Apparently my thong was thrown in the cornfield last night. No one will tell me why.
The cure for a hangover evidently is not walking around in a costume in the sun towards of park of screaming children
Really should've known 2020 was gonna suck when the guy dressed as baby new year got arrested at our party 5 past midnight...
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