guess who just spent driver's ed figuring out how to draw a guy giving head
Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
And next time, don't pick a fight with me when you're naked. That's just not fair
This girl has a second refrigerator that she uses JUST for liquor, her kitchen chairs are kegs AND she can grill. I'm not coming back.
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
Drinking wine in my childhood bed getting ready to go to sleep in order to wake up for my menial temp job. Thanks, college degree, I can handle the real world.
If you value my life, if you value your own, please look for that godforsaken cookie. Please.
FALSE ALARM! I didn't piss myself, I fell asleep in the shower and then drunkingly crawled into my bed
I'm going to take a nap so I don't feel like a stripper sneezed in my mouth tomorrow morning at work.
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
Hey Cat, it's Michael. You made out with me for a hot dog last night and I feel super used.
Alright if I email the police department asking for my mug shot do you think they will email it to me
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
Randomize
