even in the morning, she still thinks my british accent is real.
I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
Vanilla vodka + chocolate soymilk does NOT equal an epic milkshake.
I'm not saying we can't have sex tonight, I'm just saying we have to work it around Lost.
just gave a yankee's fan wrong directions to Fenway....welcome to boston asshole
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
I went to a bar in my pajamas last night. I'll be there again tonight in a wolf costume.
Alosmot hir two of of mt mailanoxwa
Oh Jesus.
The timing couldn't have been better if I planned it. His mom walked away, I vomited in their mulch, and then his mom came back and offered me bread.
Tried to make hash outta one of those keurig machines. I don't know why. Maybe the drunkenness, but now I have mushy bud and no ganja
I was unconscious Saturday for like 6 hours after I passed out on the sidewalks of our nation's capital. Thank you America, for bottomless brunch.
Nothing showshows the government the middle finger more than spending your tax refund on drugs
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
Get over your kidney infection all ready. You have been sober for too long.
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
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