Let's make jello shots for tomorrow
What's going on tomorrow?
Nothing, it's Wednesday
i like being sick. whatever the doctor gave me is awesone. the walls are waving at me. i never want to get better.
I need to find my pants, a way out of here, and a cheeseburger.
she gave me head while wearing a sombrero and told me it was her "welcome to south of the border" blowjob. i am never leaving mexico.
Never ever ever ever ever ever give your number to a 30 year old at buffalo wild wings. Ever ever ever.
My 16 year old neighbor is throwing a rager cuz her parents are out of town and my brother and I are sitting on the porch listening to A) someone fuck on the trampoline B) a girl bawling about her parents finding out C) someone puking in what we think is the hot tub. And overall we take a shot everytime someone says "bra"
Then mom squeezed my boob and said, "Dad would go nuts if I had these..."
I'm happy in my shell. My shell which consists of keeping guys in the friend zone and me masturbating...
Btw, if I didn't have 3 limbs in restraints and my free hand offing myself with the pocket rocket, I would have snap chatted you. Next time.
We just don't discuss our relationships. It's pretty much like we're single no matter what to each other. And I'm okay with that. ¯\\(ツ)/¯
How do you tell a woman that you are seeing that the scars on your back are from her awesome-in-bed little sister?
The way I see it, there's 2 types of friends. Those you should do drugs with, and those you really,really shouldn't.
I peed in front of kids, unfortunately
This toilet bowl is my home.
Don't come in. My door to my bathroom won't close because of the table and I'm pooping
Classy
Randomize