The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
You say "arrested with two drunk girls" like it's a bad thing....
I felt like a body pillow being humped by a twelve year old.
today he pulled me aside to show me a lawn mower that he drew above his pubes. I saw his pubes in all their glory. Right there. In spanish class. Hola.
I just noticed that when I sneeze...my nipples get hard.
I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...
I forgot to tell you the best part. The folded up paper he wrote his number on opened up to be a picture of him when he was younger wearing a Columbia tshirt in front of NASA and in pen said his name and "space consultant."
Gotta love hanging with Nat. By the time guys realize she isnt going home with them, they've spent enough money and time to think I'm a good idea.
This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"
Drinking heavily at 3pm and about to rescue a 30lb street turtle. Dont even bother attempting to rise to this level bitch
Maybe next year when I'm 30 I will be over puking at lunch on Fridays. Maybe
i will not be out-irished. not this night. if i don't wake up tomorrow handcuffed to a hospital bed, i have failed my ancestors.
The guy I'm talking to drunk texted me his essay last night and he asked me to revise it
I smell like playdoh, sex, and ruined lives. I love the weekend
5 seconds ago I had no idea that a fart could travel so fastly thru the tanning bed. I taste it in the back of my neck.
Randomize
