we just stared at taco bell's menu on the website for 2 hours
Why would he get rid of a girl with no gag reflex? I don't get it.
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
it's my sixth sense. If there's an orgy within 20 miles of me i'll know about if. Or be a part of it.
not sure how we got back down, broken rib says we didn't use stairs
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
btw my ex came by last night and saw the pregnancy test intructions. awkwarrrrd.......
well one of us has to be wrong and it's not going to be me
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
Saved a second guy who was crying/on the verge of wigging out. Just call me the drug whisperer.
Just to clarify, I'm still tripping balls
On an unrelated note, I've come up with a theory of everything
Also I'm so used to having sex with river guides that when he pulled out a condom I was actually surprised
IM HUNGOVER AT MOTHERS DAY BRUNCH AND A NUN FROM CHURCH JOINED US
im pretty sure i tried to use axe body spray to cover up the strong urine smell coming from my jeans. im also pretty sure that it didnt work.
Randomize
