Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
wtf?
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
i'm officially boycotting relationships. hello random hook ups and treating men like meat.
the girl sitting next to me in class is using her birth control box as a ruler
turns out they were just sand fleas, not crabs.. thank you random mexican girl from padre who's name i can't pronounce
I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
you looked at me, pointed to a car and silently said "the elephant parks here".
his phone is always ringing though. It makes me feel like I'm dating a doctor who's always on call.
yeah, dating a doctor sounds much better than fucking your drug dealer.
I was to tired to jerk him off, so he made me hold it while he thrusted into my hand.
Dude, did you know, your blood is contaminated with over 17 non-beer fluids?
Sometimes a girl needs 4 shots of whiskey in her diet coke at 5 in the afternoon and i feel no shame in admitting that girl is me
Made it just outside my dorm and yack on the front dirt. Wave to a dad thats staring, continue on my way.
i just looked at those "hey" messages and i was so confused and then i remembered we were practicing texting with our tongues.
Didn't pick classes because we were out all weekend...only open course is "alcohol and drug problems". Fucking ironic.
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
Ccatlin cimbing thru th sunroof plz come
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